For most of my younger life, I spent hating the shape of my body with eating disorders, not feeling good enough, pretty enough, talented enough, feelings of inadequacy, and just basically not loving myself at all.
In 2016, I was on a deep journey of self-healing and working through childhood trauma. It was so deep seeded that it felt like I was going downward spiral rather than up at times. I started remembering childhood abuse that I had repressed, and it was so hard to deal with, but I was working through it and learning how to love myself.
One morning, I’d just had enough of myself! I was hating myself and just couldn’t understand why I loathed myself this much. I remember falling to my knees in my room and praying to take it all away.
That night, as I was driving home from yoga on the 5 freeway in San Diego, I saw some headlights driving toward me on the freeway. Without a moment to spare, I woke up horizontally blocking all four lanes of the freeway with my dashboard sitting on my lap and my car a complete wreck. The front of my car was burning in the biggest flames I have ever seen. I tried to move, but I was stuck.
At that moment I thought I was going to die. “For sure this was the end,” I thought, so I began to pray. I made a promise that if I got to live and continue my life after this accident, I would never be mean to myself or my body ever again. I promised I would stop beating myself up and be more kind to myself, and I prayed for my precious life and body.
It was at that moment that the fire team showed up and put the fire out. They cut the roof of my car and I was quickly taken to the ICU at Scripps, La Jolla where I spent a week in a coma and experienced a near death experience (NDE).
It was weeks later that I found out it was a young 21-year-old drunk driver who had been driving the wrong way on the freeway, and the head-on collision took his life, leaving me to fight for mine. Which I did, and I instantaneously forgave the young man who hit me, knowing that it wasn’t his fault, and the issue was much deeper than just “blaming” a young person. The question for me was more, “Why was he drinking and driving? Was he depressed? Was he lonely? Did he feel loved and supported in his final moments?” What on earth would make a 21-year-old take his own life in this way?” In fact, all I wanted to do was help in a way where this kind of thing didn’t happen again and try to prevent anyone from getting hurt or losing their lives like this again!
During my coma and NDE, I saw my whole life flash before my eyes, all the pain I had inflicted on myself by not being kind to myself and my body, and all of the times I let opportunities pass because of my own fear of not being enough. In this space, I made a decision that I would come back and love myself more than ever! Not only would I love myself fiercely, but I would be a beacon of light for others and remind as many people as possible that we are all powerful beyond measure and are already the “all encompassing greatness” we’ve been searching for! We are ALL amazing and special, and the key to happiness and true unconditional love is kindness.
Kindness to ourselves = kindness to others = peace and harmony in this world.
When I woke up from the coma, I was severely injured. The whole right side of my body was broken. A fractured spine, punctured colon, and many foreign metal rods were permanently placed in my precious body. But, I was alive! And I had never felt so alive in my life before waking up from that coma because I knew that I now had a real purpose, which was to be kind to myself no matter what and then spread this message to as many people as possible!
It took a few years to heal the multiple injuries I incurred from the accident and I still experience pain in my body at times, but I love my body every step of the way and have dedicated my life to helping others heal through any kind of trauma.
Last year I released my book, “Soul of a Spirit Warrior, A True Story of Healing, Survival and Resilience.” And this year I created a healing program called ‘Spirit Warrior Training’ which gives students the opportunity to receive personal support from me, as well as a community gathering once a month. These monthly gatherings offer a safe space where students can share feelings in a supported space with other like-minded people on the healing journey. The calls have been growing each month and it warms my heart to hold space for others to share in this intimate way where they feel heard and seen, as well as safe and accepted. I truly know this is why I came back and this is my true purpose in life.
We also made a short film about my story called Love, Gratitude & Survival, and it was accepted into the San Diego / International shorts film fest this year.
My wish and intention for this world are that every human being feels loved, supported, and accepted and that no person goes through the pain and trauma I went through in order to experience their “all encompassing greatness” here on earth. This is why I feel so passionate about BTW foundation, and wanted to share my story.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I would love to be able to continue to share this message to as many other hearts as possible in this world that need to hear it and need the reminder of love and kindness.
