There is definitely no ‘one size fits all’ approach to handling relationship breakups. Of course, breakups may be much more difficult when only one party wants to split up. It can leave you feeling unwanted, rejected, confused, and hurt. I think we’ve all been there before at some point or another.

Here are 6 tips for processing and coping with a breakup:

1) Share your thoughts and feelings with them
For plenty of people, it can be tough to have no closure and a relationship abruptly end with little to no explanation. Given I’m a therapist, I’m a fan of having a heart-to-heart conversation with your ex-partner about the situation. It is common to ruminate in your mind about what could have went differently in the relationship… therefore, it can be beneficial to express these thoughts to your partner. I think it’s good to let it all out, instead of having lingering unresolved thoughts. Of course, there are situations for which gaining closure and remaining in contact may not be appropriate. Discretion advised. 

2) Redirect your energy and attention to other valuable life areas 
While breakups may provide a sense of relief for many, other relationship endings can feel like a grieving process. It’s perfectly normal for thoughts to arise throughout the day and night related to your relationship. Especially if you were very attached to this person, their new absence in your life can feel like a serious loss. A lot of relationships end with a return to being complete strangers, and this dynamic isn’t easy to make peace with. Most likely, this person knew a lot about you and was a source of comfort throughout the relationship. It is normal to have the urge to reach out to your ex quite often after a breakup. While I believe in closure — when appropriate for certain relationships, I had made the mistake of frequently reaching out to an ex. Instead of redirecting my energy and attention into the good things in my life, I dwelled on the past and tried to seek comfort from the person who hurt me most. This only resulted in me feeling worse, as I was constantly reminded of the reality of the situation. I chose to keep taking a bandaid off a wound that was trying to heal. 

Eventually, months and months later, I came to terms with the notion that I no longer wanted to be reminded of that pain. So, I tried to focus more on myself. I have always enjoyed exercising, and this continued to provide a steady routine as I adjusted to these changes. I also chose to focus more on the existing and new people in my life who were motivating, hard-working, caring, and kind people to be around. 

Changing your environment can also work wonders. Moving to NYC opened my eyes to how much of the world is really out there. Great, beautiful humans do exist everywhere. Find activities and people that make you happy, and eventually you may be able to open up your heart to someone new! It is so important to nourish and hold onto healthy hobbies and relationships in your life.

If you find it to be helpful, write down 3 life areas you can pivot your energy to. This could be helpful as you process the breakup… It can also be helpful to identify your closest social supports who you can lean on during this time. When I went through breakups, I appreciated both the serious and light-hearted conversations I would have with my friends and family. It made me realize all of the good there is in my life, instead of dwelling on a person who didn’t want me in their life.

3) Know your worth — stop romanticizing the past
The BEST tip (in my opinion) I can give is to stop chasing. If you’re chasing this person, continuing to ask for answers despite already having conversations around closure, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. This person chose to remove you from their life. Maybe you can ask yourself why you would want to convince someone to recognize your value and worth. Don’t you want a partner who unconditionally accepts and embraces you for who you are?

Also, please stop romanticizing your past relationship. The “rosy retrospection” is the idea that we tend to focus on only the positive aspects of a past experience, instead of viewing it objectively for what it was, as a whole. I remember there were some close people in my life who had knocked sense into me when I inaccurately recalled how “amazing” things once were. They abruptly stopped me in my tracks to remind me of the bad times I had discussed with them in the past. This pushed me back into reality and allowed me to focus on the comprehensive picture, instead of having faulty bias (aka I stopped being delulu, it wasn’t the solulu).

4) Identify what you want in a future partner
Write down a list of qualities you want in a future partner. If your past relationship lacked vulnerability, trust, transparent communication, and compatible attachment styles, you may intentionally seek these qualities in future relationships. If your partner was avoidant and shunned you when you wanted to communicate and resolve concerns, you may want to *avoid* (haha) people who exhibit this style early on in the dating process. Becoming clear with your intentions and desires for a relationship can help you do a process of elimination on those who may not be compatible with you. 

5) Have acceptance for ‘what is’
The hardest part for me was embodying the acceptance that it was the end. I tried for months and months to start over with a relationship that was far gone, and it only hurt me more. It prevented me from fully opening up to others during the dating process. There came a point in time where I realized I was at a crossroads. I could either reduce my suffering by letting go of the need to fight for them back, or continue to push on a door that pulls. By going against the current, I was now choosing to hurt myself. If I had gone along with the current, I would have probably moved on sooner.

Mel Robbins has been a personal inspiration for me as I navigate through different life challenges and changes. Mel’s book, The Let Them Theory, has now changed the way I live my life. Oftentimes, people who experience breakups attempt to control the situation and outcome. The lesson here is – you can never control another person’s actions and feelings. If someone doesn’t want to be in your life, LET THEM. If someone doesn’t see your value, LET THEM. If someone betrays your trust, LET THEM. People will show you who they are — just give it time. Mel’s theory has been pivotal for me — I no longer force things to be a certain way in my life. I accept and allow for ‘what is’, and have faith that the right people will stay. We accept what we can’t control!

6) Develop self-compassion
Lastly, I want you to find it in you to comfort yourself. Usually, there are two sides to a story and not one person is solely in the wrong (not always the case). Remind yourself that we are all human and make mistakes. We don’t have the ability to predict the future and go back in time to fix our past mistakes before they happen. Think of this breakup as a painful learning lesson that doesn’t define the rest of your life. There are over 8 billion people in this world. Remember this — the right person will know how to love you and make you feel secure. The wrong person will make you feel anxious, uneasy, and insecure. You can find a healthy, loving, supportive relationship elsewhere, whenever you are ready to open yourself up to it. 

If you are struggling with a breakup, working with a mental health professional can help you process your thoughts and feelings and develop better mechanisms to cope with this!