Trigger Warning: This story contains discussion of suicidal ideation. If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, please contact the Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741741.
I would love to tell you that I am an extroverted, funny, charismatic, patient, sympathetic, social, generous, determined, ambitious, and responsible young human being all the time. However, I have Borderline Personality Disorder. According to the DSM-5, Borderline Personality Disorder is a mental health disorder in which one struggles with mood stability and self-image due to rejection and trauma.
Every day is a constant struggle with my sexuality, gender, and eating habits, because of the unstable self-image aspect of Borderline Personality Disorder. I was in the closet for 15 years and came out in my freshman year of high school, as a bisexual. After getting to know myself more, I realized that I am a lesbian. I wake up every morning and look at my body in the mirror, and I either love it or cry about it. I have struggled with disordered eating habits since my freshman year of high school. While it has improved over time, I still grapple with an unstable sense of self.
Although Borderline Personality Disorder causes me to act irrationally and do things that I will regret later on, I am more than Borderline Personality Disorder. I have been in therapy since 4th grade, trying to get better. Over summer break in 2021, I ended up in the hospital for suicidal threats, ideation, and an attempt, and then got sent to a partial hospital and intensive outpatient program, where I got help 5 days a week for 6 hours a day.
Although it can be scary to receive help for mental health problems, treatment was life-changing for me. I learned healthy coping and communication skills such as thinking before doing or saying something, writing down my thoughts rather than acting on them, and expressing to loved ones what I want or need, rather than playing games and assuming that they are mind readers. I also learned the importance of a balanced and healthy diet. When eating a small amount every day, I was very irritable, emotional, dizzy, and more likely to overreact to something minuscule. While I was receiving intense care, I was able to go to work, attend summer programs at colleges such as Harvard and Tufts University, take a college summer course, attend school, and socialize with my close friends. Now, I am at my dream university, New York University.
After years of denial and presenting myself as straight to my friends just to crush on the same people they liked, I am now comfortable in my own body, and not ashamed to love who I want to love.
To overcome my disordered eating habits, I started doing meal prep, eating consistently, maintaining my vegan diet of 8 years, which makes me feel healthy, and going on daily walks with my dog.
As I have developed a greater sense of self-worth, I have cut out all the negative people in my life who make me feel bad about myself. Although I have lost many friends, I feel better about myself, and my self-worth has gone up. I still have my closest friends, and they are all I need.
I have strong goals for my future and am extremely determined. I have become a stronger and better person. I have learned and applied coping skills to my everyday life, which has made me function better.
I have grown as a human and have been better than ever. I am currently a second-year Psychology major, I volunteer for crisis hotlines at The Trevor Project and Crisis Text Line, and am interning as a research assistant at a depression and anxiety clinic.
Although it is not easy sharing my mental health and identity struggles, I think it is crucial because we live in a world that stigmatizes these issues. I also want to be the voice to tell you that even though you may feel like it doesn’t get better, it truly does. You are not alone.
